thrash & tighten

searching for a thread of reconnection

yesterday, the pain of this current flare drove me back into the bed after waking, where i spent most of my day except for a brief walk to feel the sun on my face and winter air blow through me. today, the pain of this current flare and grief that’s bonded itself to every crevice and recess from bone to heart drove me back into the studio, a place i haven’t been in days because my body needed a break from bending, stretching, reaching, grasping, twisting, pounding, twirling, dancing, jumping, and filling up canvas after canvas with thoughts, emotions, concerns, meditations, reflections, questions, and ideas i can only understand once i see them painted in front of me. i needed to thrash around in my body, on paper, across canvas. to find a thread of reconnection to tether me back to my body after the relief of momentary disassociation waned. to bring me back home. i required a container to empty myself into that would be strong enough to hold the depth of my unburdening. i needed to release the pain, to weep and groan through lines and marks because my body is too depleted to produce tears. yesterday required rest, but today called for dancing this grief around, to thrash and flail and paint and rip me open to grasp what currently feels too far beyond my (humanity’s) reach. and to remember that toni morrison told us we have to hold onto more than just crisis. that new worlds are still possible and are being born within and throughout. yesterday i surrendered. today i stretched further and retightened my grip.