learning to be patient when i'd rather be anything but
today’s time in the studio was productive in some ways and unfulfilling in others, so at the end i used some spray paint and dirty paint water to break down what wasn’t working here in this particular piece. it became a reflection of how muddied and foggy my thoughts slowly became throughout the session.
somewhere in between the layers i was painting, i suddenly got lost and couldn’t find my way back to where i started. every step back to recalibrate and get re-oriented only resulted in more confusion. every thought or feeling i tried to grasp ahold of fractured with each effort. i finally understood what was happening: somewhere in my subconscious, i unearthed a memory or a feeling from the past and in doing so triggered every defensive framework my mind built years ago out of protection. sometimes when this happens previous healing work i’ve done is enough to help me pry my way back out, but there are times when pushing through only fortifies resistance; switching to a much gentler approach becomes necessary in order for these defenses to stand down.
i’m not a patient person, but healing has taught me how to gift myself time and that detachment can be self-affirming instead of self-abandonment. just when things were starting to come together in the layers i was building in this piece, they fell apart quickly, leaving me disoriented, frustrated, and confused. healing is like that sometimes. it’s a process that requires i show up committed to doing the work at hand, but also requires a willingness to release control; it’s not a process i can manipulate, bend to the whims of my ego, or even put my own time constraints around. i cannot force my way into a breakthrough my subconscious has determined i’m not consciously able to be an attentive steward of.
so i wait with grace and compassion until my heart, nervous system, and mind are ready to withstand the unearthing that’s to come. and i trust that as the frameworks of survival and resistance weaken, the healing process itself will build new ones that can continue to support my growth.